Getting started with my Alcohol Free Year

What role does alcohol play in your life? In my family, it’s taken a pretty hefty toll. It took my mom at the ripe old age of 38. It’s tried to steal my brothers away from me, and it played a part in almost ruining my marriage.

The weird thing is that I still chose to be a social drinker. Drinking isn’t something I turned to often, but when I started to drink, it was really easy to drink too much. Almost any night that started with a drink ended with me sitting over the toilet making empty promises that I was never going to do that again… until the next time. It didn’t seem to matter if I limited it to one glass of wine or a couple beers, the night would always end the same… and not just that night but often a good chunk of the next day. Pretty high cost for an evening of fun, am I right? And yet, the next time I was offered a drink, none of those times spent over the toilet would influence my decision to accept.

Trauma and Emotional Health

As I’ve been studying emotional health and wholeness it’s been interesting to learn how our bodies hold on to and store trauma when we don’t yet know how to process it. Our bodies are essentially protecting us the best way they know how, but unfortunately there are still consequences for leaving it there. Learning this new information had me questioning my visceral reaction to drinking even small amounts of alcohol. Is my body, after experiencing so much trauma around alcohol, trying to remove it to protect me from more pain? Is my body trying to make it so awful for me that I make a different choice next time?

I was living disconnected from my body and my heart. It was trying to tell me something important, but I was living too disconnected to receive it.

This year I will be turning 37. 37 was the last year of my mom’s life. I always had it in my mind that when I turned 37 I wanted to give up alcohol for the year as well as focus on my health as a way of connecting with her and somehow redeeming our relationship. As an adult, I can see clearly that my mom had a lot of pain in her life, and I think that there is some healing to be found for my heart as I process that this year.

Starting Out

This weekend was my first opportunity to choose out of old habits. At a party where I didn’t know anyone, I would absolutely have chosen to have a few drinks. Starting conversations with strangers is usually not that hard for me, but you know a few drinks definitely makes it easier. Those few drinks make other bad decisions easier as well. Saying yes to the subsequent shots of cheap liquor produced later in the evening would have definitely been a yes that I would pay for the next day, and it was so interesting being sober in that situation and able to consider that. While old Jess would have absolutely joined in, this time I could recognize that although I would have absolutely said yes in the past, it was okay not to this time. Waking up this morning and not feeling like hot garbage was worth some of the awkwardness of the evening before.

Personal Choice

Let me be very clear here. This year of giving up alcohol is a very personal decision for me because of my past experience. In no way, shape, or form am I passing judgement on anyone else’s choices. It’s not a decision I necessarily plan to continue forever, but who knows. I am looking forward to seeing what growth and connection comes out of this year for me. It was important to put it out there in a public way as another form of accountability for me, not to condemn anyone else.

What Do I Actually Need?

Learning to connect to my heart and stop abandoning myself was definitely a huge prerequisite for my choice to give up alcohol this year. Learning that I’m valuable and lovable to myself leaves me not needing approval from others, which is a measure of freedom I didn’t live in before. Walking out this journey wouldn’t be an option for me if I hadn’t spent so much time learning to connect to my heart and taking time to learn what my needs are. I’m hoping that in moments where I feel like I “need” a drink I will be able to connect to my heart and find out what I actually need at a deeper level.

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for hanging with me. If you would be interested in joining me in this journey let me know! Doing challenging things is always more fun with friends along for the ride.

As always if you are interested in learning how to connect with your heart better click here.

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