Four Steps to Work Through Forgiveness

Learning to Forgive

When I was growing up, I experienced a lot of pain from my mom. She basically left our family for another man when I was about nine years old. In the beginning, we would see my mom on the weekends and for weeks at a time in the summer. 

Her life choices made it so that we saw her less and less over the years. She chose alcohol as her drug of choice to numb her pain and over time it destroyed her mind and her body until she ultimately passed away at only 38 years old.  

Being seventeen when that happened, I didn't have a good understanding of what I was allowed to feel. Was I allowed to be angry? Was I only allowed to feel sad? As the oldest sibling in the house, I believed it was my job to be tough and hold it together for my younger brother and sister, so I basically shut down emotionally, shoving any emotion that tried to come to the surface deep, deep down inside. 

At a Christian conference later that year, I remember hearing from the rather large stage about how we can't live with unforgiveness in our hearts if we want God to use us. My goal at that time was to be a missionary and be used by God (that's its own deeper dive for another day), so I made the choice to forgive my mom. While I believe that the desire to forgive her was there, I didn't really understand forgiveness the way that I do now. I thought you just choose to forgive and then you forget. You just let go of what someone has done to you and move on. 

The problem is that your body doesn't just forget. When you push your pain down for so long, it gets stored in your body. Making a logical choice to forgive is a good start, but it doesn't address the cost. 

When Jesus died on the cross for our sin, there was a huge cost to Him. My sin and my poor choices cost Jesus a very painful death on the cross. He didn't pretend that it didn't hurt. He experienced the full weight of my poor choices down to his very bones.

If you want to truly forgive someone, you must take the time to acknowledge the cost. It may seem kind to attempt to “forgive and forget” before you have felt the full weight of the pain, but the truth is that this will prove to be a superficial forgiveness. You have to count what the offense cost when forgiving someone. If there was no cost, then there is nothing to forgive. When your pain inevitably continues to grow after a knee-jerk forgiveness that you felt obligated to provide because it was the “right thing to do”, it will be compounded with shame and will make the circumstance even harder to work through in the long run.

True forgiveness requires something from us. It requires us to acknowledge the pain that was caused. It requires us to acknowledge the cost of the offense.

Steps to Forgive

 1. Get curious when offering forgiveness. Ask, “What did this offense cost me?” This is not done to hold it against the offender, but to give value to the forgiveness being extended. 

2. Take time to feel the emotion around the offense. Will it feel uncomfortable? Probably, but the truth is the pain is already there. You are just giving it an opportunity to be felt.

3. Communicate with the offender if necessary. You will not always have to tell the person you forgive them; in fact, many times you won't need to. Check in with your heart to see what it needs.

4. Finally - release. This may take time, and that is okay. You're not bad if you're not ready to release it completely. You can take your time. 

Learning how to truly forgive is how we can get to compassion for the offender. While I thought I forgave my mom, I was still blaming her for so many things and letting that unprocessed pain drive so many actions in my life without realizing it. Now, after extending true forgiveness, I can see the pain that was driving her choices and extended compassion to her inside of that. 

Is there anyone that you want to forgive today? Use these simple steps and know that healing comes in layers. 

If you want to process through your pain with someone, let me know. I have space for new clients right now and would love to hear from you. 

I hope you found this helpful and encouraging!

Sending you so much love on your journey,

Jess

I also wanted to make sure to let you know about this FREE 5 Day Emotionally Healthy Mom’s Challenge I have going on right now. You will get 5 days of tools and resources sent right to your inbox. Don’t miss it!