Do I Need to Forgive, or Do I Need to Grieve?

Forgiveness is something that I have been having lot’s of opportunities to practice… more than I’d like really. For whatever reason I have found myself in a season full of conflict. If you know me, than you know that I am not one to shy away from conflict. Let’s get something straight here- I’m not going out looking for conflict for sure, but I am also very aware that conflict, when done well, usually leads to deeper intimacy. There really is nothing like the deeper intimacy of being known and understood.

This is true in friendships as well as romantic relationships… and to be completely honest, I’ve found it the most challenging with family.

Recently I was reading a book by John Eldrege called Experiencing Jesus. Really. In one of the chapters he describes how he and his wife were going through something together that they needed to forgive. If you listen to the audio book you will hear John yelling, “We forgive everything! We forgive everything.”

Being someone who has been inside my fair share of conflict recently- that really struck me. Do I need to forgive everything? I pondered this thought as I hiked one day just letting myself be present with it. “I want to forgive. Have I forgiven? Is forgiveness a feeling?” All questions I let swirl around for a while from a posture of curiosity, not shame.

Then a mentor asked me, “What is your definition of forgiveness?”

It’s funny how we know what something is until we have to define it. I struggled to put to words how I would define the word forgiveness. I shared about counting the cost, feeling and releasing- which you can read about here. Yes, I know all the steps and help many clients through the process, and here I was fumbling in the moment when it came to my own heart, and my own process.

When discussing this topic with another friend, she asked if I remembered the story in the Bible of the man who was forgiven much only to turn around and punish the man that owed him little. It was interesting to tie the idea of punishment with unforgiveness. She then asked if I wanted to see them punished.

No, I don’t want to see this person punished.

I felt hurt from their actions, and there it was. When I slowed down long enough to sit with that pain I realized it was grief that I had been avoiding. Grief over hurt that had been pushed down for years. Anyone who is related to an addict can probably relate to self abandonment in an effort to save and protect the one you love, but that comes at a cost, and that cost will catch up with you eventually.

So there it was, grief. The thing about grief is that it’s messy and you can’t control it. You have to feel it to move through it.

I wanted it to be forgiveness because that seemed more manageable. Not necessarily easy, but something that helped me feel like I had more control.

Grief takes times.

Grief can feel heavy.

Grief is important.

Grief is for me.

Grief can be a friend.

Once I could give space for the grief that has been so patiently waiting, the tears began to flow. Tears of loss and pain and unmet expectations. Grief over what was and what will never be. Grief over harsh words and false accusations. Even in the pain there was zero need for retaliation, no need for punishment- it was not forgiveness that was being withheld- it was my own grief that needed to be felt.

As a self proclaimed professional pain avoider, I’m still learning to open the door to the emotions that are there to serve me. I think grief has been trying to get my attention for a while and will certainly take time to unpack… good thing I’m not in a rush and have alllll the time I need.

As you read this I encourage you to take a moment and notice what is happening inside of your body. Can you relate? What is coming up for you? If you’ve had a hard time working through your emotions, setting boundaries or working through conflicts and need someone to walk with you let’s connect. We are all humans and it’s ok to ask for help.